It feels so impossible. i hate this room. i hate this city. i can't do this anymore. i am not okay. I am back on the junk, just like that i've been sucked right back into this grimey scene. with all these god damned junkies trying to claw me down with them. i cant trust a soul. these junkies with their hep c and their fuck-it-all attitudes. they have it easy.. they have given in.. they don't care what happens to them. i think its hardest when you do care, when you give a shit about yourself. you can't stop using but you know the toll it's taking, you care about all that's being wasted.
i need some love, something unconditional.. because in my poor condition i dont have much to give. god.. some fucking love, some fucking warmth just might be enough give me the energy to recoup, to try and fight this awful disease again. but there is no love around here.. not in this city, not in this bleak time of year.
i sleep in the same bed with a man who is just as strung out i am. there was love between us once but now there is nothing left. you can't love back on heroin. you simply can't love like this.
my thoughts feel so fragmented. i don't feel connected or smart or fulfilled. i have to overcome this. if i don't i think i'll die.