ibogaine

ibogaine there are clinics down here in mexico some in canada and australia i think. suppose to be a groundbreaking treatment for opiate addicts. i remain skeptical but at this point im open minded to whatever.. its some root found in west afria, a hallucionagen that lasts quite a while. apparently if taken while withdrawing from heroin people have reported up 90% relief from withdrawal symptoms. its said that the ibogaine resets the addicts opiate receptors to a 'pre-addicted state' i dunno sounds a lil too good to be true doesnt it? an ex of mine from when i was back east has gotten the naltrexone implant. one gal i met back in asia got it after about 4 years of slamming and has been off junk for years now even though the implant is out. both her and my ex just seem to cross-addict though.. like she said after she got it she just ended up smoking crack in an effort to compensate and now she drinks a fair amount. my ex says hes been snorting K since the implant.. lol not much better from what i can tell.. i reckon if they could get high off opiates they would. seems like they r just desperately using whatever.. i want to stop wanting it! wanting it but not being able to have it just sounds misrable... and so! after long and careful deliberation i find i have gotten nowhere. lol "runnin over the same old ground, what have we found?"

the willing led by the unknown..

WE THE WILLING
LED BY THE UNKNOWN
ARE DOING THE IMPOSSIBLE
FOR THE UNGRATEFUL
WE HAVE DONE SO MUCH
WITH SO LITTLE
FOR SO LONG
WE ARE NOW QUALIFIED
TO DO ANYTHING
WITH NOTHING..
-BELIEVE IT!-
unknown tag bridge CA

have to pay every 5 mins to be online down here ATM and cash is scarce haha thought that was kinda beautiful..

sweet dreams strangers
xxx

Here is to the fates we sow...

Here is to hope!

Off the methadone and back on the junk alas!! god..i forgot how horrible it is to get sick so fast! i wake up ready to hurl. this lifestyle makes no sense the way i see it today.. curled up on the dope mans floor in TJ, with change i've collected pan-haddeling.. playing ppl with puppy dog eyes, pathetic excuses for where i am at.. reliant on the publics pity.. what the hell am i doing this for? lol it makes no sense the will i have to stand up for this shit! its laughable at this point. insane..

getting back on the methadone is an option but sober livings dont let MMTfolk stay.. so i think i'll try soboxone again and do the sober living gig hopefully.. i've been homless almost a year now out here in CA. time flies.. this just is not that fun.. plus i am on my own. see, when there's a partner in crime its easy to get caught up in the fast lane and not stop to look at myself. i hate how alone i am these days.. i hate the hiddious truth, the fact i delude myself into bullshit to save myself from the pain felt looking at the truth of my existance..

i've been crashing in this guys car for the last couple weeks but he bounced to go kick and get sober for his little girl.it's sick that i wanted him to stay with me in this hell. he wants freedom from smack really bad and there's some sick part of me that wishes he'd want me more then his plans. that he'd just spend the night here w me shooting junk and we could make ourselves feel better with 'plans' to kick and live good lives.. haha his action leaves me remorsefull.. my plans mean fuck-all. it's what i do next. and he's off doing while i'm writing bout 'what i think i'll do'.. ha! god help me..

i mean these plans i have. but they feel insinsere due to the fact i'm not ready to do it today plus knowledge of ever so many trials and failures. but what else can i do? stop even trying? i cant resign myself to this life i sometimes wish i could, but there is this voice inside of me that will not let me give up the fight for something better. at least i am making plans and have intentions to overcome.. to live life the way it should be lived.

i am blessed with a loving family.
they see in me the potenial and possiblily that i have lost sight of somewhere along the way... when i am on the ledge inches from just giving up and saying fuck it all it is for them i carry on. thank god for them. their faith carries me through when my faith is fading..

so, heres to the fight. to choosing life. xoxo “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
marienne willson

New stanza for Amazing Grace - poem

"I dreamed I dwelled in a homeless place
Where I was lost alone
Folk looked right through me into space
And passed with eyes of stone

O homeless hand on many a street
Accept this change from me
A friendly smile or word is sweet
As fearless charity.

Woe workingman who hears the cry
And cannot spare a dime
Nor look into a homeless eye
Afraid to give the time

So rich or poor no gold to talk
A smile on your face
The homeless ones where you may walk
Receive amazing grace

I dreamed I dwelled in a homeless place
Where I was lost alone
Folk looked right through me into space
And passed with eyes of stone"

-allen ginsberg-

King Heroin The Wicked

Is this where it all finally ends? Is it fucking over yet? Here, alone in a cheap, half lit motel in Tijuana Mexico. I just arrived back from one of the strip-clubs along 'Revolution Street.' While i waited for the dope man at a bar table, i watched these beautiful and broken whores dance out their pain for profit. Strung out, lost girls like me... I saw what the men here didn't : each thrust of the hip, each sharp turn of the body, is a a silent cry for help.


I cry for mercy.

I find myself so very alone. My friends, once so dear.. Where did they all go? I cant recall... Some are locked up, a few 'recovered', too many died along the way... Why do we walk these fates? This strange insanity makes this torturous way of life seem reasonable..

I fear facing myself and this world unless anesthetized by heroin. This fear is damning if not overcome...

I have cried out 'I SURRENDER' countless times, I then desperately put together a plan of action to face myself, to not pick up again! But then Alas! there always comes this blank spot in my memory... Something mysterious happens to lead me from this honest resolution to the fucking needle again! To another cowardly resignation, pledging my allegiance to the power of king heroin.

And so it goes.. This round-about never ends... The prospect of an epic internal eclipse builds up, and then drops, with a heart wrenching anti-climax. I never live up to the glorious plans do i..? I am both the prisoner and the guard.

Desperation i have heard, is what's required to recover. This i have. but the other crucial element is action. I need the strength to 'do', or i will stay trapped forever.
So what will it be? death? life? or an endless existence in this purgatory?

the choice is mine. what am i to do?

"we can only save ourselves.."

'Running Over The Same Old Ground...What have we found?'

Methadone Maintenance

the last house on the block

i'm scared of not picking up

i'm scared of picking up

just to make another resolution

blah blah blah

moan moan moan

waa waa waa

done done done

choose junk or

choose life

pick one

and live it!

This limbo

that you're in

is pittiful

blah blah moan moan!
knock back
that methadone

First i took the Heroin, then the Heroin took me

'WE THE WILLING
LED BY THE UNKNOWN,
ARE DOING THE IMPOSSIBLE
FOR THE UNGRATEFUL
WE HAVE DONE SO MUCH
WITH SO LITTLE
FOR SO LONG
WE ARE NOW QUALIFIED
TO DO ANYTHING
WITH NOTHING.'
-unknown tag usa-


first i took the dope then the dope took me... yes i took the dope but then the dope took me. little did i know that this life ain't free. i snatched the dope and then the dope snatched me...

kickin on the curb makin promises to keep
give it 30 days before i get a wink of sleep.
caught the chiva virus that they call hep c
i don't want the junk, but the junk wants me! :)


'YOU SEARCH FOR CONTENT
IN MY EYES
THE BUTTERFLIES
IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH
ARE TATTOOED ON MY SKIN.

I HAVE HIDDEN
YOU WILL NOT
FIND ME IN MY PUPIL.

IT PULSATES
WATCH IT DILATE
EVALUATE-
SEE MY CONTENT
COME AND GO.

IT EVER LASTS,
THIS CHASE
FROM MY PAST.
WATCH ME PASS
THROUGH THE HANDS
OF 'GODS PEOPLE'
(they march
toward a scandalous steeple)

BUT SEE NOT US,
WE RISE.
MY BUTTERFLY
(IT SPIES)

SKIN TO SKIN
SMACK AND GIN.
COME SWIM, IN
MY OBLIVION.

ADDICTION.
THROUGH WORDS
OF FICTION-
DARE TO FIND ME

DARE TO KNOW ME
DARE TO WHISPER
SOMETHING REAL,
SO WE CAN FEEL,

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

TOGETHER.'

for rossanna,

my empty rossanna
fades gray to soon gone
king heroin make
a weak cry of a song.

lord Chiva drew wisdom
right out from her eyes.
it took my young lover,
pried open her thighs.

Rosanna, you dwindle
on these dark, hungry streets.
they scars up your arm
yes, i know they run deep.

tell me Rosanna
can u recall
the nights under stars
how they made us feel small?

remember the laughter?
the music and wonder?
how could you resign
to this darkness you're under?

the cosmos - its baffling
presence exceeds
the smack
the sorrow
the darkest of streets.

look up
it is
your own world
that you sow
come hear the wind whisper
'where there's life
there lies hope'