Here is to the fates we sow...

Here is to hope!

Off the methadone and back on the junk alas!! god..i forgot how horrible it is to get sick so fast! i wake up ready to hurl. this lifestyle makes no sense the way i see it today.. curled up on the dope mans floor in TJ, with change i've collected pan-haddeling.. playing ppl with puppy dog eyes, pathetic excuses for where i am at.. reliant on the publics pity.. what the hell am i doing this for? lol it makes no sense the will i have to stand up for this shit! its laughable at this point. insane..

getting back on the methadone is an option but sober livings dont let MMTfolk stay.. so i think i'll try soboxone again and do the sober living gig hopefully.. i've been homless almost a year now out here in CA. time flies.. this just is not that fun.. plus i am on my own. see, when there's a partner in crime its easy to get caught up in the fast lane and not stop to look at myself. i hate how alone i am these days.. i hate the hiddious truth, the fact i delude myself into bullshit to save myself from the pain felt looking at the truth of my existance..

i've been crashing in this guys car for the last couple weeks but he bounced to go kick and get sober for his little girl.it's sick that i wanted him to stay with me in this hell. he wants freedom from smack really bad and there's some sick part of me that wishes he'd want me more then his plans. that he'd just spend the night here w me shooting junk and we could make ourselves feel better with 'plans' to kick and live good lives.. haha his action leaves me remorsefull.. my plans mean fuck-all. it's what i do next. and he's off doing while i'm writing bout 'what i think i'll do'.. ha! god help me..

i mean these plans i have. but they feel insinsere due to the fact i'm not ready to do it today plus knowledge of ever so many trials and failures. but what else can i do? stop even trying? i cant resign myself to this life i sometimes wish i could, but there is this voice inside of me that will not let me give up the fight for something better. at least i am making plans and have intentions to overcome.. to live life the way it should be lived.

i am blessed with a loving family.
they see in me the potenial and possiblily that i have lost sight of somewhere along the way... when i am on the ledge inches from just giving up and saying fuck it all it is for them i carry on. thank god for them. their faith carries me through when my faith is fading..

so, heres to the fight. to choosing life. xoxo “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
marienne willson

New stanza for Amazing Grace - poem

"I dreamed I dwelled in a homeless place
Where I was lost alone
Folk looked right through me into space
And passed with eyes of stone

O homeless hand on many a street
Accept this change from me
A friendly smile or word is sweet
As fearless charity.

Woe workingman who hears the cry
And cannot spare a dime
Nor look into a homeless eye
Afraid to give the time

So rich or poor no gold to talk
A smile on your face
The homeless ones where you may walk
Receive amazing grace

I dreamed I dwelled in a homeless place
Where I was lost alone
Folk looked right through me into space
And passed with eyes of stone"

-allen ginsberg-