A Girls last dose - Hong Kong

I have searched this city diligently. The subway cart clacks and pounds forward. It will be sunrise soon and the echoes of the underground excentuate the empty night. There are some raver kids around 15, laughing in the cart behind me still flipping around their glow sticks. Chasing whats left of the light trails, the eye shivers, the jaw grinding crunch. They are like a snapshot of me and my friends 6 odd years ago. This city produces copies you see? each one of us replacable, each generation is quick to become ghosts and the up and coming are just as quick to fill in the empyty sillohettes. God knows, I have searched this city diligently. Have spent my lifetime searching for any lasting reminats of soul; In ever scene, every drug, every alley and sky scrapper. But i think this morning my search ends. This Eastern concrete jungle, loud and neon, is empty when pursued.

An old local man walks into the subway cart waring boxers and a torn up wife beater. The whites of his eyes are yellow, the creases of his face are canyons, crevases. Each blink he blinks is long and lazy. Probably a heroin addict, i think, on his way to sham sui po to gamble, hussle and smoke that age old china white. I know men like him, spitting out sacks for me to funnel into my arms. The junk will eat you from the inside out, i recognize his hollow air.

My stop is coming up. I stand up from the metal seat, grab hold of the pole as the subway halts to a screeching stop. One of the young raver kids catches me staring back at him, the silly boy thinks i’m intrested. I shake my head and laugh to my self as i walk out onto the platform. Kowloon... what a place... Even at this time there are people rushing on with their day.

Fucking cops look at me suspiciously, ‘only one thing a white girl would come here for’... This is my last horrah fucker, dont you dare decide to get on my case today. Alright, through the turnstile and on towards the exit, Mong Koks famous methodone clinic. I look at my phone for the time... Dragon should definatly be there by now... Up the stairs and time is going far too slow. I just want to get there already. Sometimes i wish i could just click my fingers and arrive. The time inbetween shots has always felt unbareable.

Out of the underground the world opens up around me. The damn pakis are already out and about trying to scam forigners out of their hard earned cash. Old white tourists from Europe are cutting deals for suits and watches and its only 6 o clock. A young afghani guy winks at me as trudge on by. I give him a shy smile, God.. what a fucking sop...

Cab drivers are honking and yelling at eachother as i cross the road to the clinic. I’m not going to miss that sound, angry and senseless. it ignites an uneasy feeling inside me, i was born into that god damn noise.

And there he is my dear Dragon... The money is clasped tight for dear life in my hand, 600 hk dollars. I say hello pass him the cash with a hand shake and watch the toothless junkie spit out four white plastic sacks. He pops them in my hand and i walk on. Trying to inconspicuoisly toss all four into my mouth. I walk into the building and ask where the bathroom is. A cute little asian lady in a uniform sweetly shows me the way. I smile a sorry smile to her, i hope she dosent get too fucked up over this.

Into the womens bathroom and straight into the far right cubicle- i pull out a spoon, water, a lighter, a rig, a cotton and the last four bags. Emtying the bags out in the spoon i dont even shed a tear. I think of all thats happened in this god damn city. Flashes of good times and bad times are like a filmreel in my mind. All empty times, all lost times...

Alright.

Water in, cook it up, cotton in, suck it up.. tap tap... bubbles out. God... I am so sorry to everyone who loves me, i love them dearly... i hope they know that. Tie up. I’ve searched so hard and found nothing. Pin prick. This sorrow it’s so fucking infinate, this pain it’s been unbarable. SLAM...
...
...
...
Short gasp.
Whiteing out.
Pins and needles.
Cant stand..
I love you Mom
Dad...
Forgive me.
I have searched....

A dying man's encounter with truth

Indeed... I have charged across the world. From paradise, through no mans land, into hells scorching plaines. Indeed i have fought battles. and in moments felt so noble, as if the worlds wavering destiny depended solely on my swords grand sway. And here... Here i scramble drowning in the depths of life's final conclusion... Far too mangled to decipher. Far too blurred and gray to swallow. The truth i think, must wallow somewhere among here. You see, in this defining moment, truth is all i really seek... The pangs of not knowing make me think i could endure it, however harsh, however bland. I need truth before i end.
My journey (in life's cruel perspective of retrospect)has been only on the surface. Surface encounters, superficial pains and pleasures. I am hungry for truth. Dear god give me truth...

[WISH GRANTED]
"pang"

Tears fill up my eyes. My lip, it shakes and quivers. How sad...
The futility of it all... It corrodes my very spirit.
The battles -fought, won, lost, tied- mean nothing on deaths doorstep..
The will to succeed... the experiences endured... gave me nothing... brought me here... baffled, sick, near ether and broken...
My creator doesn't care, of the desperation of a man. the desperation of survival. the cruel joke of consciousness.

The grand farce in our innate need to live as if there were meaning...

You, whoever, whatever, even if nothing, have spat the grandest joke of all. What a clever trick - at deaths doorstep, with all i have done, i come to realize, i've done nothing at all...