coming back to the city where i was raised gets stranger every time. as i get farther away from the days spent growing up here. as the faces in the the local pubs perodicly change till not one is recognizable, the transience of this city or perhaps the transience of life becomes a forward reality (more and more evident to me/ of a truth to me).

hong kong has always been renowned for it's transience, books and films have nostalgicly pondered how fast this city grows and changes, what was one second in plain sight quickly dissipats into fairydust. it's like this bubble in which time is sped up, where people and things once so important fast become memorys. it has been 3 years since i left this city to make myself my own home elsewhere and on this trip back so many things have changed beyond recognition...

so much has happened to me in these streets. it's funny how in retrospect you can almost see how everythign led up to where you are. each crutial decision, the crutial events and relationships that happened and then passed leaving their mark on you as you move forward into your future. everything importnt thats ever happened somehow manifesting itself in youre life in whatever way. in the midst of life things don't make sence but in retrospect it's all so clear.

coming back home, it's like coming back to a gohst town, each street evoking a memory. as i walk thoigh wan chai, i can see myself 16 sitting on the stoop on lockhart road, in my heels and big white tee, drunk and self assured, it was right before i left for new york i was telling stevie about all my plans, i remember how i felt, how i knkew it all. i am still sitting there 3 years back, still i sit there and i will sit there as long as i can remember, where i was and how i felt. but as i stare at that stoop nostalgicly the present day unfolds and another girl takes a seat this time in broad day light chatting with someone else about different things. time erases the past, time swiftly pulls new people here pushing you forward.

manifested themselves into where u are now. the ripple effect of people you met leading you here or there. like for me my first splif
growing up in a big asian city as a white monority was a unique upbrining i suppose. growing up in any big city is a strange experience i suppose..

most expast stopped here temporarily so bestfriends changed like the seasons as after a year or two off they flew back to thier hometowns. while, this (it's strange to think) was my home town. and though i didnt look like i belonged, with my weastern face, i knew of nothing else,

It feels so impossible. i hate this room. i hate this city. i can't do this anymore. i am not okay. I am back on the junk, just like that i've been sucked right back into this grimey scene. with all these god damned junkies trying to claw me down with them. i cant trust a soul. these junkies with their hep c and their fuck-it-all attitudes. they have it easy.. they have given in.. they don't care what happens to them. i think its hardest when you do care, when you give a shit about yourself. you can't stop using but you know the toll it's taking, you care about all that's being wasted.
i need some love, something unconditional.. because in my poor condition i dont have much to give. god.. some fucking love, some fucking warmth just might be enough give me the energy to recoup, to try and fight this awful disease again. but there is no love around here.. not in this city, not in this bleak time of year.
i sleep in the same bed with a man who is just as strung out i am. there was love between us once but now there is nothing left. you can't love back on heroin. you simply can't love like this.
my thoughts feel so fragmented. i don't feel connected or smart or fulfilled. i have to overcome this. if i don't i think i'll die.

I was so fucking close

I had this appointment with a a bupinorphine program where i would get a suboxon script to help me get clean and stay clean. suboxon gets rid of opiate withdrawls while filling me up with nalaxone a suvstance that makes it so that i couldnt get high if i tryed. my 'induction' was suppose to be today. in order to get 'inducted' i could'nt have any opiates in my system which meant i had to go through 24 hours of withdrawls before coming to the appointment and the getting medication. 22 hours in i caved.
i was so close to getting into the program but after all that suffering i just said fuck it a did a nice big shot. 2 hours before my appointment...
i refuse to give in to that feeling insdie me that tells me that this is impossible. just 2 more hours of suffering and i would have had the suboxon to get rid of the withdrawls and start some sort of new life.

I am young. 19 in fact! and right now I am in the process of getting squeaky clean and sober. I spent this past year with a needle in my arm and as one can imagine the lifestyle was quite waring... So here i am 'choosing life'. And so.. as i embark on this new life i think it is appropriate that i should begin replacing old habits with some healthy new ones. A good friend of mine suggested blogging and so it goes.. here i am.

The anonymity of this appeals to me. I can speak in a voice different from mine and can be totally self indulgent. I can freely talk about things that feel important to me. Even if none were to ever read this: The idea that my thoughts will have been sent out into the universe seems nice to me. It strikes me as quite the beautiful attempt to connect with anyone who cares. Kind of like sending a letter off into the ocean, rolled up in a bottle. Even if none ever reads it, it is the attempt, i think, that counts.

It is especially meaningful to me at this point in my life to make some sort of mark (as small as it may be.) This past year i have been (to put it lightly) very unproductive. and Fuck i just can't tell you how shit It feels to end a year with nothing to show for it but a couple ugly marks on my forearm and a few lost friends. Gah.. a year and a half wasted on heroin.. This past year i have been totally introverted, so totally selfish.. So this is me extroverting... It is my small and wholehearted attempt to redeem myself to the universe, redeem myself as someone that is worthy or just simply willing. to try and try again.

Yours Truly,
Lady Lazarus