I had this appointment with a a bupinorphine program where i would get a suboxon script to help me get clean and stay clean. suboxon gets rid of opiate withdrawls while filling me up with nalaxone a suvstance that makes it so that i couldnt get high if i tryed. my 'induction' was suppose to be today. in order to get 'inducted' i could'nt have any opiates in my system which meant i had to go through 24 hours of withdrawls before coming to the appointment and the getting medication. 22 hours in i caved.
i was so close to getting into the program but after all that suffering i just said fuck it a did a nice big shot. 2 hours before my appointment...
i refuse to give in to that feeling insdie me that tells me that this is impossible. just 2 more hours of suffering and i would have had the suboxon to get rid of the withdrawls and start some sort of new life.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I am young. 19 in fact! and right now I am in the process of getting squeaky clean and sober. I spent this past year with a needle in my arm and as one can imagine the lifestyle was quite waring... So here i am 'choosing life'. And so.. as i embark on this new life i think it is appropriate that i should begin replacing old habits with some healthy new ones. A good friend of mine suggested blogging and so it goes.. here i am.
The anonymity of this appeals to me. I can speak in a voice different from mine and can be totally self indulgent. I can freely talk about things that feel important to me. Even if none were to ever read this: The idea that my thoughts will have been sent out into the universe seems nice to me. It strikes me as quite the beautiful attempt to connect with anyone who cares. Kind of like sending a letter off into the ocean, rolled up in a bottle. Even if none ever reads it, it is the attempt, i think, that counts.
It is especially meaningful to me at this point in my life to make some sort of mark (as small as it may be.) This past year i have been (to put it lightly) very unproductive. and Fuck i just can't tell you how shit It feels to end a year with nothing to show for it but a couple ugly marks on my forearm and a few lost friends. Gah.. a year and a half wasted on heroin.. This past year i have been totally introverted, so totally selfish.. So this is me extroverting... It is my small and wholehearted attempt to redeem myself to the universe, redeem myself as someone that is worthy or just simply willing. to try and try again.
Yours Truly,
Lady Lazarus
The anonymity of this appeals to me. I can speak in a voice different from mine and can be totally self indulgent. I can freely talk about things that feel important to me. Even if none were to ever read this: The idea that my thoughts will have been sent out into the universe seems nice to me. It strikes me as quite the beautiful attempt to connect with anyone who cares. Kind of like sending a letter off into the ocean, rolled up in a bottle. Even if none ever reads it, it is the attempt, i think, that counts.
It is especially meaningful to me at this point in my life to make some sort of mark (as small as it may be.) This past year i have been (to put it lightly) very unproductive. and Fuck i just can't tell you how shit It feels to end a year with nothing to show for it but a couple ugly marks on my forearm and a few lost friends. Gah.. a year and a half wasted on heroin.. This past year i have been totally introverted, so totally selfish.. So this is me extroverting... It is my small and wholehearted attempt to redeem myself to the universe, redeem myself as someone that is worthy or just simply willing. to try and try again.
Yours Truly,
Lady Lazarus
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